Over the past few years, more people have started speaking out about their experiences going no-contact with family members who have been less than supportive. Estrangement is often initiated by adult children going no-contact as they reach new levels of independence and start to feel like they’re in a tug-of-war between their family of origin and their mental well-being. Family estrangement isn’t a new phenomenon. However, while the social pressures and fast pace of modern life have led to worse mental health for many, younger people are generally more informed about mental health topics and more open about discussing them. Generational shifts in social and personal values may also be putting pressure on parent-child relationships.
A 2023 study shed some light on recent patterns in family estrangement. Adult children who go no-contact with a parent usually do so around age 23 to 26. About 6.3% of people reported estrangement from their mothers, compared to about 26% who were estranged from their fathers.
In this blog post, we’ll discuss why some adult children break contact with their parents, how it affects the family, and how parents may be able to repair their relationships with estranged children.
Why do adult children abandon their parents?
The choice to go no-contact with one or both parents is almost never an easy one. Most adult children don’t make this decision out of rebellion, resentment, or refusal to forgive and forget. They do it to protect their emotional well-being or their safety. It may even be a last resort after several attempts at reconciling long-standing conflicts or one-sided relationships. One doesn’t need to be abused or bullied to opt out of parent-child relationships, although this is sometimes the case. Adult children may separate themselves from parents who have untreated mental health conditions or use substances.
Emotional neglect is a subtle yet painful dynamic in which a parent either can’t or won’t acknowledge their child’s emotional needs. Refusing to accept aspects of a child’s identity or their choice of partner is a form of emotional neglect. Trauma from early emotional neglect echoes into adult relationships, triggering intense reactions in situations where the person doesn’t feel seen or heard, or when they feel dismissed, criticized or disrespected.
What do parents experience when adult children go no-contact?
In many cases, parents are shocked and confused when adult children set strict boundaries or stop communicating with them. They may feel like they’ve been blindsided or struggle to accept or make sense of their child’s decision. Some parents will try to defend themselves or seek reassurance. Initial feelings of hurt or anger may eventually turn into grief and loneliness. As time goes by, the ambiguity of missing a child while they’re still alive can create mixed feelings of hope, guilt, resentment and despair.
The best outcomes happen when parents take the time to honestly reflect on their role in their children’s lives and try to see from their perspective. Then they can take steps to change their attitude or their behavior and talk with a therapist if need be.
What are the long-term effects of losing contact with family?
In most cases, family estrangement doesn’t last forever: 81.3% of estranged children reunite with mothers and 68.6% reunite with fathers. While a break in contact can offer a reprieve from toxic relationships, it usually comes with other negative effects. Both parties are likely to grieve the loss of their living family and experience some regret. They may feel misunderstood by others since cutting family ties can seem extreme or unnecessary to those who aren’t involved.
The possibilityof seeing an estranged family member again can elicit feelings of both hope and dread. Either party may find themselves ruminating on things they’ve said and done in the past or what they might say next time. Other family members may feel like they’re being forced to take sides, leading to more conflict and division.
How can families improve their relationships?
Responding with anger and resentment in these situations won’t be helpful. Parents can reach out via a handwritten letter or a voicemail, but after that, it’s best to wait for the child to respond. As a parent, you might say that you’ve been reflecting on your words or your behavior and you want to get a clear understanding of your impact. Don’t plead with your child or try to justify yourself. If they do respond, listen with compassion and acknowledge how you may have hurt them. Give them a sincere apology and ask how they’d like things to change.
In the meantime, if your child isn’t speaking to you, you should do your best to take care of your mental health. Work on improving other relationships in your life and seek out support from a therapist. They’ll be able to help you manage your emotions during this difficult time and identify some goals you can work on for long-term healing. They can also help you develop strong relationship skills so you’ll be ready to repair and rebuild when your child is.
There is hope that you can reunite with your child and change your relationship for the better. At MoodRx, we offer individual, couples and family therapy. We give you the tools you need to monitor your mental health, match with the right therapist and manage your care. You don’t have to take your next steps alone. Let’s talk about what you need to improve your mental health and your relationship with your child. Contact us today.